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DIY Ideas to be Your Own 4th of July Parade Float

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Going Rogue

Southern Oregon’s cast of Fourth of July parades are organized by local chambers of commerce. To participate, you fill out some forms and pay some fees. But this is the land of the free, and if you want to qualify as one of the brave, then toss bureaucracy to the wind and go Rogue by jumping into an open space and joining the parade off-script with your own DIY float.

Here’s some ideas.

The Adorable Family

Wikimedia Commons
Wikimedia Commons

Fourth of July is just, OMG… the feels! GAH! Community. You and your family are so adorable and patriotic that you’re approaching terminal cuteness. Everyone must celebrate you by waving as you stroll boldy and cutely by. Also, the sidewalk is really crowded and it’s easier to get through crowded downtown and back to your car by just joining the parade. But also, THE FEELS.

What you need:

  • A wagon to drag your kids
  • Some sort of animal costume to force them to wear
  • Sandals and socks

Recomended music: Hand-drums and recorders

 

The Animal House

Universal Pictures
Universal Pictures

This parade business seem a bit stuff to you? Then take a page from Oregon cinema history and bust things up Animal House style.

What you’ll need:

  • One “Deathmobile.”
  • A local college president to serve as your nemesis
  • A cameo from Kevin Bacon

Recomended music: Wagner

 

The Super-Local

Wikimedia Commons
Wikimedia Commons

Who are you? Just some guy or gal? Nuh-uh. You sir or madam are a genuine local, the most magical and intriguing creature in your downtown area. Certainly more than that lame insurance company that always has a float. You are your hometown; a rare and precious rainbow-farting unicorn that deserves ogling from the gathered masses for no reason other than the sheer majesty of your personality.

This one doesn’t even need a float, per se, just a double-shot of hubris and a smile. Look for a slow spot, to jump in, then join the parade and wave like your life depends on it.

What you need:

  • Wacky socks
  • A giant grin
  • A bedsheet cape
  • A ministry-approved silly walk

Recommended music: A shoulder-mounted boombox playing Run DMC’s “Walk This Way.”

 

A Puppet Tribute to That One Jackass on the City Council

Screen Shot 2015-06-24 at 12.55.15 PM

You know what makes America great? America. You know what makes it stink like linburger? That one guy on the city council that, according to you, doesn’t know ass from elbows. He needs to get shown what-for. And there’s no better way than through the comedic exaggeration of puppets. Make one that looks like his stupid face and then walk it right in front of him.

What you’ll need:

  • A non-specific series of complains
  • A lifetime of bitterness
  • Paper-mache

Recommended music: Your own drum that you can march to the beat of

 

Conspiracy Theory of the Week

Screen Shot 2015-06-24 at 1.02.56 PM

Nervous about the New World Order? Concerned about chemtrails? Rattled by reptillians? Well get out there and parade about it. This is America, so no matter how few scientists back your theory or how little evidence there may be, it’s all fair game. Put your paranoia out there into the marketplace of ideas in truly patriotic fashion with a parade float.

What you’ll need:

  • Dour warning signs mounted to a stick
  • Leaflets
  • GMO-free candy to throw
  • Festive tinfoil hats

Suggested music: Whatever the radio in your teeth is playing.

 

Goats on Parade

Wikimedia Commons
Wikimedia Commons

Cats may rule the internet, but in Southern Oregon it’s goats that rule our hearts. They’re like dogs that you can milk, or like kids that mow your lawn for nothing, that you can milk. Gather your flock and get nubian on the parade.

What you’ll need:

  • Goats, obviously
  • A star-spangled shepherd’s staff equipped with sparklers
  • A pooper scooper

Recommended music: The internet-famous screaming goat remix of Taylor Swift

 

 

 

The Mad Max

Screen Shot 2015-06-24 at 1.06.22 PMParades are all about spectacle on wheels, as is the new Mad Max film, Fury Road. So combine the two for a parade float no one will forget, even if the reason they don’t forget it is that it haunts their dreams.

What you’ll need:

  • A truck loaded with speakers
  • A guitar that shoots flames
  • Good insurance

Recommended music: METAL metal of metalness

 

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