Beer Cheers and Jeers
There are consumer trends in flavors of beer, just like anything else. Some are past their prime and others ready for their primacy. The Messenger staff voted to find four beers that we need a whole lot more of, and four that it’s time to send to the woodshed.
Chai-spiced: Even a single sip of a chai-spiced beer puts so much magical eastern flavor in your mouth it’s like you’re giving a Djini a BJ. What are our other two wishes? For two more pints please.
Cleverly-titled beers: You know what beer we’d drink a lot of? Don’t Forget Your Debit Card at the Bar Brown, or Call a Cab Cream Ale, or Are You Sure That’s Who You Want To Go Home With Wheat. It doesn’t matter what they taste like. Americans have the the palate of a compost pile. Give us a helpful pun over a complex nose any day.
Stouts: Every other form of beer is really just a watered-down form of stout. In beer as in life, there’s no point in doing anything half-assed. Call forth the powers of darkness and wield the power of the stout side.
Cream beers: It’s right there in the name: cream. No matter the sub-variety and flavor-modifiers, who wouldn’t want something that smooth for the texture? We’d even drink a Cream Cheleda. Bring it.
Coffee beer: Do we want to wake up or do we want to go to sleep? With coffee beer, there’s no need to decide!
IPAs: Can you say oversaturated? Can you say that word so much that the word itself becomes overdone? Because then you’d be barely scratching the surface of how inundated drinkers are with IPAs. There are so many on taps that we’d almost be better off growing gills and learning to breathe the stuff than drinking it. And when you add to that their flavor is a hyper-aggressive bitterness on par with a blend of battery acid and stale coffee, then it’s time to bid them adiou.
Hefeweizens: Oh [insert name of brewery here] is making a hefe? That’s great? What does it taste like? Every other hefe out there? And does it also expand in your stomach like a beach ball until you explode like a beached whale the same as the rest of them? Fantastic. We’ll have zero more of those please.
Lime beers: Is the drinking class now so lazy that we can’t even cut our own limes? What would Jimmy Buffet say? Especially when you realize that the lime beer is the gateway drug to the clam juice beer and its ilk. What’s next, motor oil? Stop the madness!
Lagers: You can’t fool us microbrewers. That’s just a Budweiser.
Coffee beer: Seriously, people. Do you want to wake up or do you want to go to sleep? Make up your mind.