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An Itinerary of Freedom

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How Much America Can You America, America?

Wikimedia Commons
Wikimedia Commons

It ain’t easy living in the greatest country on earth. With so many awesome things to be patriotic about, come July 4th the patriotic pressure can get downright overwhelming. Luckily, with a bit of careful planning the average Patriotic American can cram every patriotic impulse into one entire freedom-filled day. What follows is a suggested itinerary for any individual ready to embrace a once-a-year opportunity to show the world just why America is so damn great.

6am: Wake up to ‘America the Beautiful’ sung by your patriotic alarm clock (purchased at your local Walmart Freedom Center), and unfold your American flag and hang it as high as humanly possible (ideally on a 40 foot flagpole purchased at your local Home Depot Freedom Center). Finish by grabbing a morning selfie of you saluting that flag with pride.

6:15am: Begin the celebration of Breakfast: sausage, bacon, ham, coffee, eggs, pancakes, hash browns, coffee, biscuits, gravy, chicken fried steak, coffee. Admire sunrise and flag while filling up on seconds.

7am: Poop

7:30am: Shower while singing anything by John Cougar Mellencamp, shave, and change into your favorite blue jean shorts, tank top with emblem of screaming eagle over American flag, and matching bandana.

8am: Write up a quick inventory of all the fireworks you still have from last year. Promise these fireworks that you will honor them by blowing them up.

8:30am: Polish and shine every single gun you own. Why? Because ‘Merica, that’s why!

9am: Hit the grocery store early to avoid the throngs of people who forgot to buy steak and beer for their Fourth of July BBQ. Next, pick up this year’s supply of fireworks at your local Deeno’s Fireworks! Fireworks! Fireworks! Not to be forgotten: Tomahawk Rocket, Burn Victim, and Remember the Alamo.

10am: Return to grocery store to pick up forgotten steak and beer. Afterwards, rev pick-up truck loudly in grocery store parking lot to build up patriotic fervor.

11am: Gather with friends and family on Main Street for annual Fourth of July Parade. Rub shoulders with some of the most patriotic and overweight Americans on earth while you collectively holler praise at seasoned veterans, the high school marching band, and hundreds of oblivious children who are hopefully throwing candy in your direction.

12pm: It is FINALLY time to start drinking! Find a unique koozie to identify your red, white, and blue beer can. Just remember to keep an eye on Uncle Jerry who undoubtedly started drinking during his morning flag salute.

1pm: BBQ kick-off! Warm up the grill, fill up the kiddie pools, and wake up grandma by turning off Fox News. Don’t shy away from transforming your family gathering into an all-out block-party. Bust out the Karaoke machine and lead the charge with ‘Aint that America’ and ‘R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A’.

4pm: It is likely that a drunken conga line has formed and is headed somewhere fast – best to route its course to the nearest swimming hole. Most people will undoubtedly be without swimming suits so be prepared to see naked people you would rather not see naked. Also be prepared to find your naked self tagged on the Facebook pages of complete strangers.

6pm: Now is the time to reminisce with others why America is so damn great. Talk about why freedom ain’t free. Debate whether or not Hulk Hogan could have beaten up Abraham Lincoln. Discuss the pros and cons of Pabst Blue Ribbon against anything that isn’t Pabst Blue Ribbon. Put on clothing (or not) and stumble home.

8pm: Gather them fireworks, kiddos – the moment has arrived. Dance in delight at the sight of soaring bottle rockets and Saturn missiles while trying not to trip on black snakes lit by pyromaniac children walking indoors with white sparklers. Although it may be tempting to launch all your rockets at once, remember that America’s freedom will pale in comparison to the liberation of an urban wildfire. And as always, make sure you have befriended a local law enforcement agent before you launch the Great Emancipator of Boom in your driveway.

9pm: Climb on top of your roof and bask in the realization that your town’s municipality has once again spent way too much money on twenty minutes of loud fiery explosions. Guess which lights are fireworks and which ones are cop cars.

10pm: Chat with friends about why America will never be as good as it once was. Topics should include high school football, John Denver, Ronald McDonald, California, and the price of gas.

11pm: Now fully coherent that people will not be going home anytime soon, begin conversation about why America is actually not that bad after all. Topics should include freedom, tigers as pets, and superman. Take a shot every time someone says ‘the right to bare arms.’

11:45pm: You have 15 minutes left to celebrate the greatest nation in the universe. Quickly build a 3D American flag out of empty beer cans while singing ‘America the Beautiful.’

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